When parents were angry, the kid lost.

It happened again last night. There in my counseling office was a pretty young girl inched into the corner of the sofa, tears streaming down her cheeks. She was staying out late, cutting class and flunking two courses. Her father was sitting in the other corner of the "L" shaped sofa with a folder of Court documents on his lap. He angrily demeaned the child's mother. She was defending her mother and wanted to spend weekends with her. He was justifying his reason for not allowing her to go.

His position was that he had a court order limiting visitation when her mother's husband was present. Based on a domestic violence case, the Court had issued an order stating that the parents were not to allow the child to be in the company of this man. Since then, on previous occasions, the father had allowed the daughter to spend the night with her mother and her mother's husband when he thought it was OK. Now however, now he was angry at the mother for her inconsistent visitation attendance and lack of child support and his ulterior motive, hidden even to him, was to punish the mother and deny her visitation. Of course this was not lost on the daughter, now fifteen years old. She saw through the inconsistency, noted that the husband had completed his domestic violence year-long course and his three-year probation was terminated. Daughter said there had been no reoccurring problems and even if there were, she would leave the conflict and call her father to come and get her. Father said that he knew of another domestic violence incident in the recent past and was afraid for his daughters safety.

What to do?

First look at the facts:

1. Father was concerned about the well being of his daughter and he has a duty to protect. However, the previous visitation order is six years old, created when the daughter was 11 years old and he disregarded it in the past.

2. Circumstances have changed since the order was issued. Probation has ended and his daughter is a teenager, more capable of taking care of herself.

3. Father and daughter do not have enough information to make an informed decision.

4. They must follow a Court order.

Solutions and Suggestions:

1. Father agrees to find out if there are any police reports indicating recent domestic violence. If not, her will go to the Court to change the visitation limitations so he is not violating a Court order allowing his daughter weekend visitation with his ex-wife and her husband.

2. Father will equip his daughter with a cellphone for emergencies.

3. His daughter will show respect for the home rules, and keep him informed of her whereabouts. She will honor curfew and thereby show she is capable of accepting responsibility.

4. Father will enroll in a parenting class and become more failure with the growing and changing needs of his child.

5. Father will invite mother to work on a co-parenting plan that meets the needs of the family.

6. They will return to counseling in one week with a progress report.

7. I the therapist will continue to set reasonable goals to enhance communication between the father and the daughter.

Another couple of suggestions were considered however, it appeared that after fifteen years, mother and father were still fighting. Father was sure he was the voice of reason and that his flighty, emotional, self-centered former wife was deaf to his logic. Mom's position was unknown at the time. I invited him to bring her to the next session.

I see many divorced parents in this predicament. It is as though they are both talking to each other but they are speaking foreign languages. In this case I used the example of Dad speaking Japanese and Mom speaking Russian. They were not communication effectively and their daughter was in the middle. She was expressing herself through her actions when neither parent heard her words. Even though mom was not in the office to present her side of the problems, what was clear, even without her insight, was that these two people were not addressing the needs of there daughter. It also appeared that in the short term they were not able to learn the same language. This meant that they had to communicate differently in a non-verbal fashion.

Examples of non-verbal communication include some of the following ideas:

• If mom calls the house he can let it go to voicemail. If the call is important, he can return it.
• If mom wants her daughter to spend weekends at her home, she must assure the Court that her daughter is safe and ask to have the restrictions lifted.
• If daughter wants to talk to mom, dad can let her use the phone on a reasonable schedule.
• If daughter and former wife do not return from visit at the appointed time, he can reassure his daughter he is concerned for her safety. He and mother can address the situation away from the daughter. It is counter productive to punish her for the mother's indiscretions.
• Mom could honor the schedule and spare her child anguish when she is late.
• The family could request a case manager or Special Master be appointed by the Court and follow subsequent recommendations.

These may seem like simple solutions, but they are hard to employ when angry. Both parents needed some help to manage the situation. Help is available in the form of mediation and case management to create workable parenting plans. Neither parent can change the other, they can only change their own attitude and support their child. To not so this is to lose a child.