New Article coming soon!

Sunday or Monday, when should the kids go home?

If children had a vote…

A Child's Perspective

If children had a vote… they'd abolish divorce.

First some facts: the National Vital Statistics Report published in August, 2010 reported 2,077,000 marriages in 2010 and about half ended in divorce. If they averaged two children per marriage, 2,000,000 children faced divorce that year.

According to researcher Frank Furstenberg (Frank F. Furstenberg, Jr. is the Zellerbach Family Professor of Sociology and Research associate in the Population Studies Center at the University of Pennsylvania), the typical divorce for many children means a cessation of contact between the non-residential parent and child or a "relationship that is tantamount to a ritual form of parenthood." In nine cases out of ten, the custodial parent is the mother, and fully half of all divorce-children living with their mom have no contact with their father for at least a full year. Only one child in 10 sees his non-custodial parent as often as once a week. Over all, only about one youngster in five is able to maintain a close relationship with both parents.

Many custodial parents remarry, which brings on another set of problems. Frank Furstenberg reports that "one of the consistent findings in research is that step-parenthood does not recreate the nuclear family." Strikingly, children from stepfamilies have a behavioral profile much more like that of single-parent children than that of children from natural two-parent families. Even though just over half blended families succeed, there are many difficulties to overcome; more information on that subject will follow in subsequent posts. This article deals with only one obstacle for blended families as well as single-parent families, that of a child's fantasy of a normal-family reconciliation.

Children secretly nurse a dream that "once my parents realize how much I want them to, they'll live together again." Even if they are remarried, they assume that since they divorce once, they can divorce again and remarry their parent. They also carry with them the idea that they are somehow at fault for the divorce and if their parents reconcile. They will be absolved. Another deep-seated anxiety is that of abandonment. If one parent abandons their child, what is to say the other won't? Marring a new partner heightens that anxiety; studies show that "fear of abandonment" is greater when the parent, the mother for example, has remarried.

Children love their parents. Judith Wallerstein in her book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (2000) found that children are more traditional than their parents. They have very little good to say about divorce. They think divorce is too easy to obtain and do not agree that divorce is better than bad marriage. They want both parents and they want family. Divorce forces them to choose, bounce back and forth from one parent to another and creates significant psychic trauma in their lives. In 1988, professor Jeanne Dise-Lewis surveyed almost 700 junior high school students, asking them to rate a number of life event in terms of stressfulness. The only thing students ranked as more stressful than parental divorce was death of a parent of close family member. Is it any wonder then that children vote for the fairytale ending: their parent's reconciliation?

References:
Dise-Lewis, J.E. (1988). The Life Events and Coping Inventory: An assessment of life
stress in children. Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine, 50, 484-499.

National Vital Statistics Report:
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr58/nvsr58_25.pdf. Retrieved 3/28/11.

Wallerstein, J.S., Lewis, J., Blakeslee, S. (2000). The Unexpected Legacy of
Divorce: A 25-year landmark study. Hyperion, New York.

Mom has a boyfriend....

When Mom has a boyfriend or Dad's remarried, for example, parents must stay focused on the needs of their child. While many parents create a loving "new family" through remarriage, it has to be done with attention to a child's needs and point of view. Bringing a new person into the family might threaten the child's sense of security and belonging. Parents who have successfully incorporated a mate have managed by talking to their child and listening when he/she expresses concerns or fears about their changing world. Kids need their parents' love and attention and do not want to compete with a new partner.

Parents look at dating and remarriage as a way to rebuild their lives. Children, on the other hand, face sharing their parents with other spouses and usually more kids, changes that often rock their world. Consequently, children often feel like they lose some of their parent's attention and protection in the shuffle. It is no doubt that a child might view mom or dad's dating as intrusive, competitive and destructive. Dating and remarriage asks the child to shift loyalties and accept a "surrogate" parent, and the challenge of fitting into a new family structure. New parents mean more responsibility for the child. Instead of two parents managing their life, they have three or four. With so many changes, children lose a sense of security.

Before bringing a new person into your family system, talk with your child. Assure him or her that a new person in your life does not replace his or her other parent. Reinforce your words with actions. Promise that dating and marriage does not mean that your relationship with your child will be a lower priority. Spend as much time with your child as you can. Create "special time" for just the two of you. Admit that this new person is your companion, and at the same time, you will always be there for your child.

A Form of Acting Out - Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Dealing with passive-aggression is frustrating and confusing. In divorce and custody cases, it insidiously perpetuates the disagreements.

The parent who acts in a passive-aggressive manner, is likely to behave unpredictably, regardless of any agreed upon understanding. This behavior will often leave others feeling manipulated or doubting their sanity. This complicates any negotiated agreements and follow through with custody recommendations.

Passive-aggressive behavior is a form of hostility disguised as innocence and compliance where one never truthfully says why he/she is angry. This behavior develops when a person does not learn how to express anger constructively; instead pushing their feelings underground and expressing them in hidden ways. It is this unrecognized anger that leads to passive-aggression. A person acting in this way may claim not to be angry but to the observer, the anger is obvious. A child, partner or friend then becomes a convenient target for that person's aggression. Sometimes the person acting in a passive-aggressive way will provoke an angry response, and then blame others for having a problem with anger!

The origin of passive-aggression is varied however, one explanation is that a child forms a dependent relationship with a needy parent and that parent fails to support the child's need to grow and become autonomous. Without knowledge and self-confidence, the child will cling to the parent for support (which is never really given), and when the child tries to express anger, it is never validated - don't be angry is the message. The only way the child (and ultimately the adult) can achieve any degree of independence is to stay in control at all costs through anger and to express it passively. Ultimately, passive-aggressive people are both afraid of being alone and unable to achieve full independence as an adult.

A passive-aggressive person can be very attractive at first. In the beginning, he/she is capable of containing their anger. They appear strong and capable on the surface and can read your needs very well. When problems in a relationship erupt, a destructive circle of behavior starts. One person gets unreasonably angry, the other feels victimized. The passive-aggressive person apologizes and seems to change. In the "honeymoon" phase both parents minimize problems and then stress builds. With the stress, frustration sets in and an angry outburst once again starts the vicious circle. This push-pull dynamic tends to feel like a never-ending trap.

Passive aggressive partners fight independence by trying to have control of the other; they are out of touch with their feelings and lack the tools for appropriately expressing emotions. They are guarded and feel emotionally fragile. During divorce, one parent may blame the "ex" for his/her unhappiness and unconsciously begin to rely on the child(ren) for emotional support, thwart independence and thus promote development of passive behavior in their own family.

When parents were angry, the kid lost.

It happened again last night. There in my counseling office was a pretty young girl inched into the corner of the sofa, tears streaming down her cheeks. She was staying out late, cutting class and flunking two courses. Her father was sitting in the other corner of the "L" shaped sofa with a folder of Court documents on his lap. He angrily demeaned the child's mother. She was defending her mother and wanted to spend weekends with her. He was justifying his reason for not allowing her to go.

His position was that he had a court order limiting visitation when her mother's husband was present. Based on a domestic violence case, the Court had issued an order stating that the parents were not to allow the child to be in the company of this man. Since then, on previous occasions, the father had allowed the daughter to spend the night with her mother and her mother's husband when he thought it was OK. Now however, now he was angry at the mother for her inconsistent visitation attendance and lack of child support and his ulterior motive, hidden even to him, was to punish the mother and deny her visitation. Of course this was not lost on the daughter, now fifteen years old. She saw through the inconsistency, noted that the husband had completed his domestic violence year-long course and his three-year probation was terminated. Daughter said there had been no reoccurring problems and even if there were, she would leave the conflict and call her father to come and get her. Father said that he knew of another domestic violence incident in the recent past and was afraid for his daughters safety.

What to do?

First look at the facts:

1. Father was concerned about the well being of his daughter and he has a duty to protect. However, the previous visitation order is six years old, created when the daughter was 11 years old and he disregarded it in the past.

2. Circumstances have changed since the order was issued. Probation has ended and his daughter is a teenager, more capable of taking care of herself.

3. Father and daughter do not have enough information to make an informed decision.

4. They must follow a Court order.

Solutions and Suggestions:

1. Father agrees to find out if there are any police reports indicating recent domestic violence. If not, her will go to the Court to change the visitation limitations so he is not violating a Court order allowing his daughter weekend visitation with his ex-wife and her husband.

2. Father will equip his daughter with a cellphone for emergencies.

3. His daughter will show respect for the home rules, and keep him informed of her whereabouts. She will honor curfew and thereby show she is capable of accepting responsibility.

4. Father will enroll in a parenting class and become more failure with the growing and changing needs of his child.

5. Father will invite mother to work on a co-parenting plan that meets the needs of the family.

6. They will return to counseling in one week with a progress report.

7. I the therapist will continue to set reasonable goals to enhance communication between the father and the daughter.

Another couple of suggestions were considered however, it appeared that after fifteen years, mother and father were still fighting. Father was sure he was the voice of reason and that his flighty, emotional, self-centered former wife was deaf to his logic. Mom's position was unknown at the time. I invited him to bring her to the next session.

I see many divorced parents in this predicament. It is as though they are both talking to each other but they are speaking foreign languages. In this case I used the example of Dad speaking Japanese and Mom speaking Russian. They were not communication effectively and their daughter was in the middle. She was expressing herself through her actions when neither parent heard her words. Even though mom was not in the office to present her side of the problems, what was clear, even without her insight, was that these two people were not addressing the needs of there daughter. It also appeared that in the short term they were not able to learn the same language. This meant that they had to communicate differently in a non-verbal fashion.

Examples of non-verbal communication include some of the following ideas:

• If mom calls the house he can let it go to voicemail. If the call is important, he can return it.
• If mom wants her daughter to spend weekends at her home, she must assure the Court that her daughter is safe and ask to have the restrictions lifted.
• If daughter wants to talk to mom, dad can let her use the phone on a reasonable schedule.
• If daughter and former wife do not return from visit at the appointed time, he can reassure his daughter he is concerned for her safety. He and mother can address the situation away from the daughter. It is counter productive to punish her for the mother's indiscretions.
• Mom could honor the schedule and spare her child anguish when she is late.
• The family could request a case manager or Special Master be appointed by the Court and follow subsequent recommendations.

These may seem like simple solutions, but they are hard to employ when angry. Both parents needed some help to manage the situation. Help is available in the form of mediation and case management to create workable parenting plans. Neither parent can change the other, they can only change their own attitude and support their child. To not so this is to lose a child.

Party last night!!!!!!!!!!

You just got home to find the police in front of the house. The neighbors called them and they chased off the party crashers at about midnight. Your son just invited a few friends over and they invited a few and they invited a few and before he knew it, the house was overrun. They swarmed in like locust and took all the booze they could find. Now, the police are talking to your son on the sidewalk when you arrive. He is seventeen. What to do?