When Mom has a boyfriend or Dad's remarried, for example, parents must stay focused on the needs of their child. While many parents create a loving "new family" through remarriage, it has to be done with attention to a child's needs and point of view. Bringing a new person into the family might threaten the child's sense of security and belonging. Parents who have successfully incorporated a mate have managed by talking to their child and listening when he/she expresses concerns or fears about their changing world. Kids need their parents' love and attention and do not want to compete with a new partner.
Parents look at dating and remarriage as a way to rebuild their lives. Children, on the other hand, face sharing their parents with other spouses and usually more kids, changes that often rock their world. Consequently, children often feel like they lose some of their parent's attention and protection in the shuffle. It is no doubt that a child might view mom or dad's dating as intrusive, competitive and destructive. Dating and remarriage asks the child to shift loyalties and accept a "surrogate" parent, and the challenge of fitting into a new family structure. New parents mean more responsibility for the child. Instead of two parents managing their life, they have three or four. With so many changes, children lose a sense of security.
Before bringing a new person into your family system, talk with your child. Assure him or her that a new person in your life does not replace his or her other parent. Reinforce your words with actions. Promise that dating and marriage does not mean that your relationship with your child will be a lower priority. Spend as much time with your child as you can. Create "special time" for just the two of you. Admit that this new person is your companion, and at the same time, you will always be there for your child.
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