If children had a vote…

A Child's Perspective

If children had a vote… they'd abolish divorce.

First some facts: the National Vital Statistics Report published in August, 2010 reported 2,077,000 marriages in 2010 and about half ended in divorce. If they averaged two children per marriage, 2,000,000 children faced divorce that year.

According to researcher Frank Furstenberg (Frank F. Furstenberg, Jr. is the Zellerbach Family Professor of Sociology and Research associate in the Population Studies Center at the University of Pennsylvania), the typical divorce for many children means a cessation of contact between the non-residential parent and child or a "relationship that is tantamount to a ritual form of parenthood." In nine cases out of ten, the custodial parent is the mother, and fully half of all divorce-children living with their mom have no contact with their father for at least a full year. Only one child in 10 sees his non-custodial parent as often as once a week. Over all, only about one youngster in five is able to maintain a close relationship with both parents.

Many custodial parents remarry, which brings on another set of problems. Frank Furstenberg reports that "one of the consistent findings in research is that step-parenthood does not recreate the nuclear family." Strikingly, children from stepfamilies have a behavioral profile much more like that of single-parent children than that of children from natural two-parent families. Even though just over half blended families succeed, there are many difficulties to overcome; more information on that subject will follow in subsequent posts. This article deals with only one obstacle for blended families as well as single-parent families, that of a child's fantasy of a normal-family reconciliation.

Children secretly nurse a dream that "once my parents realize how much I want them to, they'll live together again." Even if they are remarried, they assume that since they divorce once, they can divorce again and remarry their parent. They also carry with them the idea that they are somehow at fault for the divorce and if their parents reconcile. They will be absolved. Another deep-seated anxiety is that of abandonment. If one parent abandons their child, what is to say the other won't? Marring a new partner heightens that anxiety; studies show that "fear of abandonment" is greater when the parent, the mother for example, has remarried.

Children love their parents. Judith Wallerstein in her book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (2000) found that children are more traditional than their parents. They have very little good to say about divorce. They think divorce is too easy to obtain and do not agree that divorce is better than bad marriage. They want both parents and they want family. Divorce forces them to choose, bounce back and forth from one parent to another and creates significant psychic trauma in their lives. In 1988, professor Jeanne Dise-Lewis surveyed almost 700 junior high school students, asking them to rate a number of life event in terms of stressfulness. The only thing students ranked as more stressful than parental divorce was death of a parent of close family member. Is it any wonder then that children vote for the fairytale ending: their parent's reconciliation?

References:
Dise-Lewis, J.E. (1988). The Life Events and Coping Inventory: An assessment of life
stress in children. Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine, 50, 484-499.

National Vital Statistics Report:
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr58/nvsr58_25.pdf. Retrieved 3/28/11.

Wallerstein, J.S., Lewis, J., Blakeslee, S. (2000). The Unexpected Legacy of
Divorce: A 25-year landmark study. Hyperion, New York.

Mom has a boyfriend....

When Mom has a boyfriend or Dad's remarried, for example, parents must stay focused on the needs of their child. While many parents create a loving "new family" through remarriage, it has to be done with attention to a child's needs and point of view. Bringing a new person into the family might threaten the child's sense of security and belonging. Parents who have successfully incorporated a mate have managed by talking to their child and listening when he/she expresses concerns or fears about their changing world. Kids need their parents' love and attention and do not want to compete with a new partner.

Parents look at dating and remarriage as a way to rebuild their lives. Children, on the other hand, face sharing their parents with other spouses and usually more kids, changes that often rock their world. Consequently, children often feel like they lose some of their parent's attention and protection in the shuffle. It is no doubt that a child might view mom or dad's dating as intrusive, competitive and destructive. Dating and remarriage asks the child to shift loyalties and accept a "surrogate" parent, and the challenge of fitting into a new family structure. New parents mean more responsibility for the child. Instead of two parents managing their life, they have three or four. With so many changes, children lose a sense of security.

Before bringing a new person into your family system, talk with your child. Assure him or her that a new person in your life does not replace his or her other parent. Reinforce your words with actions. Promise that dating and marriage does not mean that your relationship with your child will be a lower priority. Spend as much time with your child as you can. Create "special time" for just the two of you. Admit that this new person is your companion, and at the same time, you will always be there for your child.